Kissaa Kahaani

January 9, 2014

There Shall be Showers of Blessing…

Filed under: The Unadulterated Magic — MK @ 6:25 pm
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And yes, the showers have been bestowed…. to be precise, bestowed almost five months back and its still showering!

More than one year back, I realized that I am not alone anymore- physically, emotionally, in my thought… there is someone… occupying me, my thought… I was pregnant. I wont lie, I was so scared, so unsure… doubtful. Would I be able to afford having a baby now- doctors, delivery costs, hospitals, medicines, supplements? Am I ready to put my career on hold- even for teeny weeny while? Am I mentally prepared to be a parent? Am I ready to take on the responsibility of a new human being? Am I prepared to change and shift my priorities? Will I be clumsy with the baby too? Will I make a mistake and would not know how to take care of the little one? Would I harm the baby? And as I pondered, I knew that this is the most natural thing that could have happened and that this is the most special blessing I am bestowed with. I called this conception, Serendipity. Sweet Accident.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months… and the growth of my darling was visible- my tummy swelled up, wardrobe size changes, eating habit and lifestyle took a turn for better and healthier, kicks, tiny kicks made my heart go pitter patter. My Child was already born, the day I conceived. ANd that was also the day when I was born. As a mother.

Every visit to doctor and USG technicians made me happy. Being blessed with no-nonsense smooth pregnancy (yes- no morning sickness, no midnight cravings, no dizziness, no tiredness)

It is so strange that those 9 months flew by… and came the day when I got to see and touch that wonder! Pain can be beautiful, pain can be worthwhile, pain can be wonderful! After 6 hours of labor, when this baby popped out of me, the pain did not matter! Enduring this made me even more stronger as a woman, as a person, as a human being. More tolerant, more patient. And the first time, I touched those little feet… the baby who was inside my tummy was in my arms now… oh! the baby I carried for 9 months was here, visible, and screaming at the top of his lungs, scrunched up red little face, upturned nose, bow shaped lips, tiny tight fists and those stretched out tiny little toes… my 4 kgs bundle of Joy was here! Its a miracle, how much a mother sees and observes in her dazed state- i counted all the toes, held him, and slept. I always knew that I will have a son. He is my Kishna. 

Since then, everyday is an adventure! Everyday there is something new. Everyday I experience showers of blessing. That toothless gummy chubby beautifully amazingly mesmerizing smile, that wonderfully big curious eyes, those hands reaching out to people, that angry scream, that constant feet movements, that tossing and turning in sleep, that smile while having milk, that constant blabber in some out-worldly language, wetting of diapers and everyone else, poops, everything….  Pain, as I said, is worthwhile. Pain, of leaving him behind daily for 9 hours while I go to work,  pays its returns when i go back and wrap him in my arms, pays it when i see that wonderful welcoming smile on his face…. 

Words are just that- words. Mere alphabets, just a way to communicate, words are not a way to emote… What I feel, what I have become, what I can do for this baby is incomprehensible, indescribable…. 

For me, the life changed and it keeps on changing- minute by minute, day by day… life changes as my baby changes from an infant towards a toddler, life will change as he grows… Life changes, when we try not to make mistakes anymore, Life changes as we try to infuse more positive attitude, life changes as we try to make amends for past mistakes, life changes as we look ahead… 

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April 20, 2011

I Miss You-3

Filed under: The Memories Unfogged — MK @ 11:18 am
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I will today remember my youngest sister. We called her Reshu.

Reshu

Reshu was our youngest sister. She was five months old when she died. I was 7-8 years old. Girls were a burden at that time. And My parents had three already. My parents loved us but secretly they also wanted a son. in her fourth pregnancy my mother was happy and glowing that it will be a son this time. But God and his jokes- this time also we were given a baby sister. My mother was devastated. But as soon as she laid her eyes on the Angel she was in love with her. All of us were in love with my little sister.

You would have loved her too. She was nothing like us sisters- though I will say that us three sisters may not be extraordinarily beautiful but we definitely are attractive and my parents are very good-looking (unfortunately we did not inherit their best features) But Reshu, my youngest sister was beyond all of us. She had this angelic look and such beautiful dimples on her fair cheeks. She would rarely weep, rarely she would create any tantrums. She would hop into the arms of anyone who would show affection to her. She had that toothless gummy chubby grin that would capsize your heart.

She would tease my mom. My mom would breastfeed her and Reshu wold play hide and seek with mom, she would look at my mom’s face give her oh-so-sweet smile and duck in to have her fill again after a few moments she would give that grin to my mom. I would carry her all around, holding her gave that nice feeling to me. We loved playing with her.

And then she fell sick. My mother had to do all household work- sweeping the floor of that huge house, cooking 12-13 people, cleaning, taking care of us sisters and my grandfather. And no one to help her. She first saw that my sister is sick when she tried to feed her milk from spoon- she saw that my sister was weeping but her voice was different and that her neck was towards one side and her whole body was limp. She ran towards my uncle- my dad was in Shimla and in Training- he was in 1992 batch of IA&AS. My uncle called the village doctor and the doctor gave his verdict- my sister’s lungs were filled with cough and mucus. And that my sister would need constant injections so that that mucus is dried. And daily her tiny body suffered not only the pains of her sickness but also the cruelty of that doctor. My mom wept and wept- but then she had no money of her own to take for second opinion. Nor was she able to contact my father, she just wrote a letter. No phones at that time in my house. Thank fully one of my Aunt’s husband arrived a few days later the moment he saw my sister he told my uncle and my mom to take her to Patna and get her admitted.

They left for Patna.

Once in Hospital, she was diagnosed with Meningitis. That tiny poor child suffered due to the half cooked knowledge of that Doctor, and she suffered due to my mother’s helplessness, she suffered due to that fact that my father was too far away, she suffered due to my uncle’s ignorance. She suffered. My mom had to be hospitalized as well. She couldnt bear it. And our Reshu died.

Before she died- she waited for our father. My dad tells me that when he entered the room, Reshu’s crib was positioned in a way that her head was towards door, God knows how she knew it, but the moment dad entered the room, Reshu twisted her body, looked at my father and smiled. The baby who was paralysed all over just moved herself to look at her father. And then she slept- never to wake up. She died.

In Bihar we celebrate Chhath- its above all festivals, everything. My mom, before going to Patna, begged my father’s aunt to pray for my sister in Chhath.

You know the saddest part? We dont even have her photograph, not a single one. All we have is the memories which are too few and far between. My mother couldnt tolerate the sight of all those baby dresses and toys and cribs. She gave it all away. We dont have anything which would show that we once had a sister. Just sometimes, we three sisters and my parents sit and talk about her. We just smile and we cry. Sh was an angel who gave us laughter, I think if she were alive today she would have been a delightful person. Wherever she is, I just hope she is happy and that her laughter still makes the heart go pitter patter.

March 20, 2011

Letter to a daughter

(I read a letter to a daughter by a mother in a Chhatisgarh daily, it was beautiful, here I present a modified version of that letter, I have added my feelings, my imaginations and my words here and there, I have tried to infuse what i would feel when i would have my own child to take care of and love, do forgive me for any mistake)

Dear Daughter,

I have always wanted a girl child, and then Lord Jagannath endowed me with you. A delicate, tiny beautiful child. He was extremely generous with me and I am obliged to pay my debts Eternally to him, he gave me more than a daughter, he gave me love personified, he proved that he exists- where there was not a slim or a fat chance of mine ever getting pregnant, and now I have you to declare to the world that see my devotion and my faith won over the super science of yours! Now that I look at your face, sleeping peacefully and with calm confidence that your mother is here to protect you, i feel a sense of pride in myself for harboring a life as precious as yours in my womb, of bringing you to this world as a new ray of hope. My darling angel, as I see your 6 months fingers curled around my thumb, I know that you wont be reading this letter for a long long time to come, nevertheless I have this urge to write to you, to convey to you what I feeling as of now, at this very moment. So the apple of my eyes, here is my letter to you…

Beti, the world has pearls of wisdoms to impart, and I also have a few advises for you, you may feel rebellious, may be defiance against these advises, all i want from you to be level headed while thinking over these advises. People say that mothers have an uncanny intuition about the whereabouts and well-being of their children, believe me that I will always know you better than you could ever know yourself- that does not mean, however, that I will always be right and I wont make mistakes. And also remember that I will also know when you will make mistakes and when you will lie- but being a mother I will forgive you- just like that. I will give you a tight slap for your mistakes, will make you stand for hours in a corner and will ground you- but I will also smother you with my bear hugs and kisses and chocolate shakes and oatmeal cookies. You know my child, I always remember the time I would fight with my Ma, I would call her rudest of names, say most hurtful things, and she would weep at my actions, I remember how repentant I used to be later on but it was a rare case I would ask for forgiveness… She would just say, “you will realize when you will have your own children”. How true, how very true. No, I dont believe in ‘tough love‘, If I scold you or if I am stern or If I act harsh, its just because I love you so much, and I want you never to stray from your path! I know we will have contradictions, difference of opinions, fights, disagreements, but its a vicious cycle- you will know when you have your own child.

My baby, dont let anyone in this world hurt you, dont give anyone the authority, the right to ever hurt you. Because they can do it, only if you permit them. You may encounter nasty, unwanted situations at some or the other corner of the road of life, dont let yourself caught unawares, dont let yourself compromise with that situation, be strong enough to face it, to fight it- after all you are my little tigress!!! But at the same time, my darling, be gentle and delicate enough so you never lose the beauty of your girlhood and later on your womanhood, of your softness. Be bold enough to ask questions, however stupid they mey seem and be meek enough to accept defeat. Smile. Read books. Respect Nature. Have integrity. I dont know what kind of human being you will turn out to be tomorrow, make sure that you are generous, forgiving, and sans jealousy.

No body is burdening you with future expectations, its your world, its open to you, look into nook and corners and make your own decisions, stumble, fall- I will be there to help you get up, I will dust you down and sooth your scraps. But make your own decisions. Follow your heart and whenever in doubt, think of Lord Jagannath and take a leap of faith. Things will always fall in place. Protect your heart and hand it over to the worthiest of man out there. Let your inner satisfaction be your guide. remember sadness and disappointments will as much be a part of your life as smiles and happiness, learn to balance.

Never forget that I and your father will be there for you. Always.

Love and blessings,
Ma

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