Kissaa Kahaani

December 7, 2012

Only Once in Your Life…

Filed under: The Memories Unfogged,The Unadulterated Magic — MK @ 7:43 pm

dedicated to my love, my life, my husband….

Bob Marley once said that, “Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are…”

I have found you, it’s been a tough and a long journey and now we are celebrating first anniversary of our holy union. I know how significant a mere note or simple short scripted “luv u” is for you, I understand how you treasure and keep my moments locked in your heart, I feel like a teenager with you- I want to do silly things, with you, I bubble and I laugh without reason… colors seem brighter to me. I laugh more when I am with- even more than I used to earlier…

A phone call or two, few whatsapp sms and messages during the day help to get me through a long day’s work and always bring a smile to my face. When you are with me, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but I find I am quite content in just having you by my side- I do not need to fill any gap, because there is none….

Things that never interested me before became fascinating because I know they are important to you and you are important to me. I think of you on every occasion and in everything I do if you are not around me. Simple things bring you to mind like “Pani Da Rang” song, like black and red t-shirt, like conversation about Kashmir, like a particular TV Show, like sleeping, like eating, like living- you are in everything I do.

I opened my heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening my heart, I experience a love and joy that I never imagined, I will be worthy of, I opened my heart and realized you are already in it, . I found that my being vulnerable is a way to allow you to protect me from the world, from myself, even from yourself. I have found strength in knowing that I have a partner in my life who cherishes me like a princess, who corrects me and guides when I am wrong, who listens to me and my opinion, who dreams my dreams, who thinks  my thoughts, who supports who I am. I am secure in the fact that I have a true friend and a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Happy first Anniversary my love, may we have a thousand more happy ones!

Advertisements

June 18, 2012

Her Wedding Day

Filed under: The Unadulterated Magic — MK @ 3:39 pm

She was to be married today. Today. Today her life was about to change. She dreamt and dreamt this day since her childhood. The typical “Knight-in-the Shining-Armor-on-a-White-Horse” dream.  Her life did change today. Anyways.

As she waited in the church for him to arrive, she looked back at her life. She saw herself, all in wonderful glory of her childhood and where she still waited for her “Knight”. She saw herself as a princess, the apple of the eyes of her parents. She saw herself growing up, as a young woman, the heartthrob of her high school. Every boy wanted her and every girl wanted to be like her.

She saw herself graduating and growing even more as a woman, as an individual. Her beauty was now accentuated with maturity with a dollop of innocence thrown in. She was loved by all, she loved life and she met the love of her life.

She had always been a happy person, a fortunate young human being, but this new love in her life widened her views, she was happier than ever. Oh the shy didn’t fall, the stars didn’t shine down, the snowfall was not whiter, the moon was not bigger, the rain was still irritating; but she enjoyed the open sky more, she appreciated the stars shining above her more, she started  loving the moon as much as she loved the sun and the rain was irritating yet refreshing. She was in love.

As she waited in the church for him to arrive, she reflected back on her life with him. Few months back, she moved in with him. And now she counted her those days.

She smiled as she remembered his touch in the middle of the night… She thought of him hugging her from behind as she washed dishes in the kitchen, she got reminded of her grumbling at him when he did those little irritating things- throwing towel here and there, relaxing on lounge as she cooked and cleaned, or coming in to help when she least wanted those…  Her life hung on his whispered sweet nothings… She adored his little habits- hugging her in sleep, tickling her, playing games with her, just sitting there with her in total silence, just being near her, just following her from room to room…

She remembered all this and she wept…

As she waited in the decorated church and amidst all the grandeur of flowers, as she waited in her pristine flowing white dress and sheer tiara… as she waited for him wearing the pearl necklace… as she looked at the empty chair in front, waiting for the guests to arrive… she wept…. She wept as she waited for him…

And as she waited the hearse arrived, they carried in the coffin and opened up the lid. He was there. In his wedding suit. Black. Bow ties. A slight smile played on his cold face. She looked in, she leaned in, she kissed him, his cold lips. He looked calm, he looked happy on his wedding day… on his funeral…

This was her wedding day… this was his funeral…

Ode to a Little Sister

Filed under: The Memories Unfogged — MK @ 12:32 pm

This is a little ode

To an unknown little sister,

I have beautiful two,

You were the other.

There are so many questions –

Of little things we are left to wonder:

As colors go –

Was your favorite red, blue, or another?

Would you have eaten all your veggies first?

And save the dessert till last?

Would you have hated pumpkin the worst?

Chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla –

Which ice cream would you have preferred?

For times of transport

To go near or far;

Would you have sat your tiny little bumps

On a motorcycle,

Or in the seat of a van or a car?

To make a living

Would you have used your hands?

Your brain or your mind?

Inside you –

was there a beautiful talent

You would have found?

Would you have enquired?

As to how the stars got there,

We’re still not sure,

Even among the great minds here.

Maybe now of that –

You know what is true,

For up there You do have a wider view.

 In all certainty

I’ll be there one-day,

Where you are…

Way above the clouds,

So very far…

When that time comes

We’ll find ourselves a comfy spot,

And marvel at the glorious vision

Of the universe and earth blue,

As finally you get to know me,

And I you.

May 25, 2012

As I walk through life…

Filed under: Opinions,The Unadulterated Magic — MK @ 3:20 pm

As I walked down the road, sandwiched between heavy traffic and roadside vendors, I saw walking in front of me a mother son duo. The son, a tiny little child, stopped midway, stretched his hand, stretched his whole body and stood on his toes to pick some grapes from the fruit vendor’s stall while his mother tried to pull him away. In his dirty shirt and shorts, he was so adorable, the action of picking those fruits was like his newest and greatest achievement; his laughter, as he put some of those unwashed grapes in his mouth, was like he is Krishna himself stealing makhan from his neighbors….

As I waited for the green signal during rush hour, I knew I will again be late for office today and I sat in frustration, drumming my fingers against the steering wheel and looking around and I saw a couple on the bike, the girl riding it and the boy on the pillion, hugging her from behind, tightly, and as she laughingly removed her helmet, the boy kissed her sweat soaked hair and put his chin on her shoulders….

As I was waiting for my turn to board the bus one day early morning, while in queue, I noticed a small boy walking with his grandfather. The boy was solemnly dressed in a kurta pajama and had tilak smeared on his forehead while the grandpa was in tennis shorts and a funky t-shirt sport shoes, they were walking hand in hand…

As I was standing there to cross the road I saw this girl walking unaware of the world around her. And I saw this guy walking behind her, also unaware of the world but engrossed in this woman ahead of him, looking at her, smiling…

As I walked down the aisle of the superstores, I saw this dad cajoling his 3 year old kid and trying to explain that the things on the racks are not chocolates, in fact they are nothing his kid can use, they are actually condoms…

As I was sitting on the park bench grabbing a late lunch, I saw this young guy, 6-7 years old, trying to impress his girl by going round and round and shouting in his companion’s ears and pulling her braid, he definitely liked her…

As I was just wandering down the lane, I saw this couple in the auto rickshaw, old couple, the almost-white haired lady pecked the cheek of her man and turned away to look outside as if nothing has happened and the old man, he just smiled and reached to hold her fingers…

As I walk through the life I see people, I see magic, I see miracles, I see love, laughter, comedy… As I walk through the life, I see life…

March 2, 2012

If One of Us is Gone…

Filed under: The Memories Unfogged — MK @ 11:37 am

Its been 83 days since I am married. 83 days. Wow!!! I am a wife!!! The responsibility is huge. The joy is tremendous. The disbelief is great. The contentment is infectious. I really can’t believe that I am a wife. I still behave childishly, I still have my own nakhras, I make silly mistakes- I do things I never saw my mother do. She is perfect, maybe I will be a perfect wife too…

I cherish the smile I sleep with; I cherish the warm cuddling, the unexpected hugs and tightly clasping hands. I love the strong shoulder on which I lean on and sleep while in auto. I am thankful for the strong arms which act as my pillow in nights. I am grateful for the scolding when I make mistakes. I love the early morning warmth of togetherness. I love waking up to his touch.

He compliments me, I am bubbly, and he is calm. I stumble, he lends an arm. I laugh, he smiles. Our relationship is not perfect. And I thank God for it. If it were perfect, I would never find the little joys of roothna manana; if it were perfect, I would not feel the need to seek his approvals on everything I do; if it were perfect, I would need his guiding hands. He is my pillar of strength. He is my cushion to fall back on. He is my lucky charm.

I fought for him, I gave up many things, I wondered at times if whatever I am doing is worth it, if he deserves to be more precious than all the struggles and pain I am going through. I realize today, that he is. He is worth fighting for. And I did not lose anything. I gained.

I know, the road ahead is going to be rough, but he will walk with me. And as we will walk together, we will clear the road and make it smooth. We will create home. We will fight and we will make up. We will criticize and we will appreciate. We will discover each other. More and more. Every day. We are lucky. We are grateful. We love. Life is good.

You and me against the world,
Sometimes it seems like you and me against the world,
When all the others turn their backs and walked away,
You can count on me to stay.
You and me against the world,
Sometimes it seems like you and me against the world
And for all the times we’ve cried I always felt that
God was on our side.

And when one of us is gone,
And one of us is left to carry on,
Then remembering will have to do,
Our memories alone will get us through
Think about the days of me and you,
Of you and me against the world.
(YOU AND ME AGAINST THE WORLD:
Helen Reddy)

February 2, 2012

Illusions

I loved the feeling of wind in my hair, the sun on my shoulder, the power in my hands, as I zoomed past various cars and vehicles on the Eastern Express Highway. I felt my tattered jeans on my legs and I felt the sweat beads forming and disappearing on my naked chest. I felt the strength in my being. I felt the exhilaration; I felt the speed, the thrill of my new bike- my new passion. I felt blessed. I also felt free, after a long time.

….. I have always been an actor, I rule ‘Bollywood’. I see girls trying to kill themselves for me and I see guys imitating me, cursing me. I thrive on their adoration and jealousy. I have always been good-looking, as a boy, my good looks were a means of income for my parents who were striving to maintain their façade of being page 3 élite but had lost all due to my father’s extravagance on girls and gambling and my mother’s alcoholism. Things were not easy and they had to take care of me. I learned acting, the day I began to understand that my family is not a normal family. I acted in front my school friends that I am the most loved, most spoilt child. I learned to act in front my parent’s guests. I acted that I am happy. And slowly the acting became my reality. I started to believe in my own lies. And because of this my life was colorful. I had many fantasies and all of those were true for me.

And then one day, when I was in class 6th, my father came in and announced to my mother that we are moving to Mumbai. That I have got a job. That my life is “set” and I do not need to study anymore, he had landed me in a TV show- Centered on the life of a royal historical figure. I didn’t even need to go for an audition, my photographs were enough. I protested. I wanted to be an astronaut. Kids and their fantasies. The truth was, we were now no more able to pay even the electricity bill; my education was secondary. Mumbai was our new destination. With some borrowed amount, we were now bound towards Mumbai.

In Mumbai, the moment I landed, I was engulfed in the sea of Bollywood and TV industry. My parents became my managers, they handled all the affairs. My money, my time, my shows and even my friends etc. My education was never resumed. Yes, I was given a personality development training, English-speaking etc. My light eyes, fair skin, and surprisingly Caucasian looks along with my height and built gave me an edge in auditions, ads, TV shows and Films. I always looked older than I was. I looked tough and soft at the same time and at the age of 17 I landed up with my début film with the reigning actress of that time. I was an instant success and since then, I have never looked back, not even towards my parents. I have a new manager, new entourage to take care of my affairs. My parents receive ten percent of my fee after taxes and I don’t go and meet them.

It’s been ten years since then, in these ten years, I made up for my childhood. I am a graduate now and I am pursuing distant MBA from a renowned institute in India. I have saved enough to sustain myself in case of contingencies. I do 2 films per year and several ads and I host a talk show. I also contribute yearly to a charity of my liking. I do everything that is in my hands to make a change. I also enjoy my fame, my money. I go play squash in the posh clubs of Mumbai, I have a fleet of cars, I have the best bikes, and I wear clothes by the best designers of the world. I can have and I have any girl I want. God has been kind to me, my looks have improved with time, I do quality work, I have won numerous awards and recognitions including 3 National awards and today I have nothing that I want….

And as I zoomed past all those cars and bikes and autos, the traffic signal brought my speed to a halt. As it was noontime and a weekday at that, the roads were virtually empty. And other than me there was just a single auto standing and a few vehicles behind us. As I waited, I happened to look in the auto and I realized, I am not as blessed, my life is not as fulfilling, my needs are not yet answered, I do not have everything in life; I wanted her… I needed her… my heart skipped a beat… my sweats did not disappear… my eyes were fixed on her… and I forgot to breathe…

It’s not that I have not seen beauty- I have met most desirable, most gorgeous women around the world and I have felt their enthusiasm on seeing me, I did not lack love or love-making, girls were attracted to me, my looks, my persona, my celebrity statehood, my money, my everything and I used them, whenever I wanted to. I don’t have any regrets, they wanted me to use them, and they begged me to use them. So I did. And I enjoyed it. But real emotions? No, I didn’t feel them, I didn’t connect to them, I didn’t feel pain if they left me in the morning, I didn’t feel guilt when I left them in the mornings, I never talked to them, I just spoke. Till this moment, I never had the urge to hug someone and weep. Till I saw her, I didn’t know that there is hollowness in my heart. I did not know how meaningless I am…

I don’t believe in love, and love is overhyped. I know that reel and real life are two separate zones. What happens on silver screen is fantasy. I used to live my childhood in fantasy, I came out of it long time ago. Love happens, it sure does. It happens only in movies and novels. People, in real life, do not have the time and patience for love. But I felt in those 2 minutes was intense. As the light turned green, she looked at me and smiled. A stranger’s smile. And then she looked at me again. As her auto lurched forwards and as I moved parallel to her, she never once looked away. And then she again smiled. A lover’s smile. She didn’t say anything. I didn’t utter a word. We moved, in unison. The world stopped. As we were moving, there was no wind, no other car or bike or auto or bus… all that moved was her auto… my bike… her eyelashes… her quivering lips… my sweat beads trickling down my chest… her dupatta flying out of her auto and touching me, as her fingers would have touched me…

And we moved, how I do not know, for I don’t remember looking at the road once. All I remember is her eyes. Big, full of pain and aching and loneliness and longing. And suddenly her auto stopped near Lilavati Hospital. I stopped too. She emerged from the auto, while I waited; she paid the fare, picked up her bag and came towards me. Giving me her handkerchief, she smiled and asked for my autograph. As I remained unmoved and fixated upon her face, her smile vanished. She looked up at me and said, “There are few connections as strong as I feel towards you in few minutes and I know that you have felt those too. I thought that I shall never experience what they have written poems about; I thought that there shall be no Kanha for me; I never thought that I shall be able to live in these few minutes. I lived, I lived my whole life. I saw myself being courted by you, I saw myself as a bride, I saw myself in red lehenga and gold jewellaries, I saw you as a groom, I saw us in love, I saw us being loved by all, I saw myself pregnant, I saw us with our baby. He looked just like you. Just as beautiful. I was lucky in these few minutes. You gave me life. Now I have to go and die, I have pancreatic cancer, last stage. I am here to admit myself, as I don’t want to die alone. At least I shall have doctors and nurses around me. I have to go. Thank you for being with me in those few minutes, in my last journey of life.”

I watched her go inside. I felt the tears trickle down and dissolve with the sweat beads. I do not know her name, I didn’t follow her inside, I am a selfish man, I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore. All my illusions were wiped off. As I saw her, she turned and waved a goodbye, a lover’s good bye and I wept….

January 3, 2012

“Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish”

This is the “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish” address delivered by Steve Jobs in 2005 at Stanford University:

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: “We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?” They said: “Of course.” My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it’s likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky – I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation – the Macintosh – a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down – that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me – I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor’s code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I’m fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope it’s the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960’s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

November 21, 2011

I have a secret

Filed under: The Memories Unfogged,The Unadulterated Magic — MK @ 3:59 pm

“I have a secret.”
Sigh… everyone has a secret… I don’t want the burden to carry anymore secrets on my shoulders, but she is my friend… do I have a choice? Clearly, No!

I saw the look in her eyes, the faraway, wistful look, a smile playing in those eyes but her body language defied those looks- she was leaning on the table and her lips were quivering as if she wanted to weep, her face was aglow – either she as blushing or was hurting, I couldn’t say- even after meeting so many people, and suffering through what-nots, I was still not able to gauze what goes in the mind of those around me- I am not gullible, I am plain stupid.

“Do you want to talk about it? We can move away from the table.” “No, I am fine,” she gave a radiating smile and excused herself. She baffles me; no one can ever say what will be her mood the very next second. One moment she was dying to tell me her secret and next second she brushes me off and moves away… she is a mystery all right.

She has a weird story, some of which I know, some I just guess. She met her man when she was still in school. She loved him to death. She would go each evening to his house, prepare food for him, serve it and come back home to tolerate her mother’s wrath on being in the vicinity of a single man who is living alone. He had no parents and was several years older than her, his elder sister was already married off to a comfortable household and was now nurturing her two kids while watching all the TV saas bahu shows. He was not a wonderful guy, not good-looking but he loved her and she loved him! That was the end of the matter. For her, anyways.

What he did not know however was her temper, I am guessing here that he did know- but he chose to believe that he would be able to handle her. He would be able to calm her down with his love. She fought with her family to marry him and she won. He won. They were one. Wow! I am quite poetic today, aren’t I!?

The hell started then. As the marriage begun, love ended. The need was still there, passionate physically raw need, but no love. The fight started on their Suhag ki Sej itself. It was a pity. She realised, it’s too late now- she can’t go back to endorse her maiden name when she has already accepted her husband’s name. The habits which were adorable to her were now irritating. And on her part, she was taken aback by sudden restrictions on her free movement- earlier she used to go bike rides with her macho friends, or for a group sleepover or a slumber party- but now that she was married, her husband did not like going to other guy’s house- he did not have a problem with the friendship- he had a problem with intimacy.

To escape the daily bickering and to maintain the peace of mind, she decided to enrol herself for further studies and went to another state altogether- instead of finding ways to shorten the gap, those two idiots who were in love earlier decided to increase the gap as they deemed it to be the only available solution. Instead of sitting and talking and renewing the love- they decided to fight it out- the marriage became the games of the gladiator and they both wanted to win without compromising.

Soon two years passed and her studies came to an end. But she was still not sure of her stand with her husband, she was not yet sure whether that love, that flame is still there or gone… But instead of finding out, to unravel the paradox, to free the proverbial Schrödinger’s cat from the box, she decided to move further away- once again.

She did not realize it, but she could be very dominating and insensitive. Once her sister-in-law came to visit her for a week with her small kids- and kids being kids, disrupted the household with their untimely shrieks, their unabashed demands drove this young woman crazy and to top it all, the sister-in-law decided, one night to skip dinner at her hosts’ place- however the poor woman did not realize that her brother’s wife has already cooked for her and her kids. When they returned from restaurant, all hell broke loose and the sister-in-law was asked to leave and not to ever come back as this was not her house and the mistress of the house also demanded an apology for she went into so much trouble. The husband could not tolerate it and slapped the wife. This incident was like fire in the oil spill in Pacific Ocean. The remaining chance of peace was now gone. She went on to find a job in a nearing city while her husband remained behind to tend to the family business.

On her family’s insistence and because deep down she knew that she has to revive her love, she decided to stay in a place which was only 4 hours away from her husband. But it turned out that she was not so sure about her choice anymore…

In her new workplace, she met a man- a young handsome man in mid thirties who was charming and pleasant. It was a nice change to her husband and she, it was not intentional- mind you, it just happened- and she felt a powerful; attraction towards him. She was lonely and her hormones demanded more and she was pulled by the string maneuvered by that guy and she found herself entangled the web she spun herself. Ironic. She tried to tell her friends in co many words about her many adventures with this Black Knight, but she was tied up with the moral obligations of human society.

This was her first secret- I knew it, not because she told me, but because she wanted to tell me. She would flutter, she would glow, she would sigh and she would always try to say something which would make no sense – at least not to my ears, my dumb stupid ears.

And suddenly she stopped talking with Black Knight, she never revealed why. However with all this, there was a dark change in her personality. She stopped talking and laughing, she would respond only when required and would not smile at all. Her sullenness made impossible for people around her to enjoy her company. She would behave normally with others who are not part of regular social circle but with us, she behaved as if she was doing us a favour by hanging with us and it was against her wish to do so. I used to get irritated. Once I remember, we all were going out to Dinner and she was with us. Suddenly she says that she wants to go someplace else, I looked at her and told her that I am comfortable being here and then suddenly she stood up and gathered her coat and her purse and stormed out of the restaurant while we all sat agape at her latest antics. She started to get on my nerves but before I could vent my anger and frustrations on her, she found a new muse.

She would regale us with her new muse’s antics- how he can talk non-stop; how he could make time run faster; how he keeps on entertaining her; how he can talk to himself he finds no listeners available. She would go to breakfast with him, she would find excuses to be near him, and suddenly this new muse became her second secret. Surprisingly, this new guy was too naïve to understand her signals. He was same to all girls, same laughter; same talks etc. She was soon bored by him- he did not give her that kind of attention which she sought. Things, kind of, died down.

Then one day her third secret started. She made me a part of it- partially. She told me that someone has asked her out knowing that she is already married and moreover- he himself is married. She said that she wants to say no and that she will refuse his actions. And to add to it, she said that feels glad someone adores her. She was glowing, smiling; she was on the top of her world. That incident made me decide.

I am not a moralistic person, nor I am the righteous one- in fact, I have a few escapades of my own, but that was long long time ago. And I have straightened myself and my path. Though she was a friend of mine, I decided to maintain a distance with her. I knew that the day of disaster was near. And I was not wrong. I maintained a façade of friendship with her- on an impersonal level and I kept on getting a glance of her life- though I was no more affected by her antics. For instance, I know now that she is having “Affair on Flames” her new beau- that married man, and I am not anymore interested in getting dragged into yet another scandal. I want a clean chit for myself.

Who doesn’t love a good gossip, even I do. I just hope that these incidents and men in her life won’t destroy her marital bliss- or her social standing.

I do not yet know what will be the end of her story in future. Nor do I want to guess. Nor I want you to guess. I am just telling you a secret…

November 7, 2011

Death_ A sweet experience

Filed under: Opinions,The Unadulterated Magic — MK @ 3:58 pm

Suddenly I found myself in the dark, but the darkness was not enveloping, it was not overwhelming, over powering, the darkness was not dark… it was a darkness which awakens you from a deep sleep. The darkness was the culmination of the dark and beginning of light… and I saw myself there, being calmed down by the serenity of my environment. No, I did not fear the novelty or the strangeness nor did I feel any curiosity…

As the darkness faded, I felt myself bathed by the warmth of the growing lights against it and as I opened up my eyes I saw a haze around me, a white haze… and there it was- an empty space, no bottom, no roof, no walls, but enclosed, for there were no windows as well, neither were there any doors…

I was in a space which held me secure, like a cocoon, and as I uncurled myself and moved my knees away from my breasts and realized that what I was wearing before I was so strangely deported was not anymore on my body, what was deported was me, not my worldly possessions and I felt a soft breeze touching me like my lover in the places with such intimacy that a blush rose from my bosoms towards my cheek and I could feel strands of my hair trying to cover me, shield me from that breeze.

And I felt a unique calmness in that caress, I felt an enviable security, a strength… as I rose I saw Him, I saw Him coming towards me – He came and covered me with a material so soft that it was like being covered with kisses, He then told me to wake up, told me that i was not ready to participate further in the sweet experience anymore, He told me to go back and finish what I am supposed to finish before I can trudge further in to the journey of completeness –I knew that the great words falling from His divine lips are compelling and true, I reluctantly took a tentative step backwards and I felt a sharp pain excruciating my spine, the pain made my eyes clench even harder and I could now feel the lonely drop of tear sliding on my cheeks… And simultaneously I could hear the exclamations and gasps around the room…

Suddenly I found myself in the light, the blindingly painful light, the overwhelming, over powering; darkening light… it was the kind of light which awakens the craving to close the eyes and escape. This light was, in actuality, the beginning of the darkness… and I saw myself there, troubled to the core by the chaotic nature of my environment. Yes, I was afraid of this phenomenon and I understood that death was sweet…

November 1, 2011

Dilli Dilli Dilli Dilli!!!!

Filed under: Opinions,The Unadulterated Magic — MK @ 4:14 pm

It was 12 in the night when I reached Delhi airport and saw the driver waiting with the car. And as we left the airport I realized how much I actually missed the vastness of Delhi, the beauty of it… The wide roads were practically empty by that time and the coal tar reflected the beams of the numerous streetlights; so did the green trees by the sides of the roads…. there was slight chill in the air – not the biting one but a pleasant one… The air felt pure as it hit my face… As we sped through the Embassy area, the night intensified the beauty which is eye catching during the day… the Sky Roads, The red railings and intricate range of flyovers from ITO towards Eastern Part of Delhi- Once you step in Delhi, you can’t stop marvelling, you can’t resist falling head over heels for Delhi…

They say Mumbai is the City of Dreams, the city which holds your hands and won’t let you go… maybe so, I can’t say- but one thing is for sure, while Delhi already rules my heart and Mumbai is pushing its way in it!

« Previous PageNext Page »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: