Kissaa Kahaani

March 29, 2011

And She Ran Away

She kept knocking at the door of the room, pleading. She was a prisoner in her own home. They wanted her to give birth to a child, a son. To continue the vamsa parampara. She didn’t want to do this. She didn’t want to. Its not that she didnt want to be a mother, she did. She simply didnt want to be the mother of the child of her husband…

There was a time when she loved her husband, she did his laundry, fed him good food, appeared as a good and dutiful escort whenever he needed her, she fulfilled her duty on bed. She really loved her husband. After all who was there for her! She had no one in her own family except for a brother who was ruled by his wife and the wife of the brother did not want to have to do anything with her for that matter. So she just had her in-laws, her husband, parents in-law and brother in-law. True, she was never treated like a princess, but she was never mistreated as well. Well you cannot call occasional taunts and criticism and demeaning comparisons as mistreatment and torture, will you! No one raised a finger on her… may be once or twice when her husband was drunk, he hit her, but only when he was drunk, never otherwise. And since he used to go around with big league people, he had to drink, to maintain a status quo and the PR, you know these things are so necessary when you are a budding entrepreneur. She was an educated girl, she understood and once sobered, her husband apologized, so she knew he didnt mean it. She was if not happy, quite content with what she had. She was no different than others in these matters. However things started changing for her when last month her husband was down with high fever.

When we have simple fever, what’s the best remedy? Go to a chemist, take some antipyretic drug, pop it in and sleep. Most probably its some kind of virus, it will go down in maximum three days, and it will also ensure at least three to four days of relaxation, guaranteed attention from people at home. And of course it will also mean a good break from the daily junk intake and result in healthy food for 3 days. A fever is a respite. But in the case f her husband, the fever remained for a week and temperature kept fluctuating between 100 to 105. It started bothering her. She begged and begged but he didnt want to go to the doctor. It was a waste of time and money. She approached her brother in-law, who rarely talked to her. She requested him to take her husband to some doctor. The brother in-law was so surprised by her initiative to talk that he simply said yes and then realised what a time wasting activity he put himself upto. Well there was no backing up now.

The brother in-law and the husband went to the doctor at the local medical centre to meet their local doctor. However they were surprised to see a young fellow instead of the regular doctor. The new doctor informed that the older one chose to retire and the government appointed him here. This out-of-the-woods-babe was so enthusiastic about his first appointment as a doctor and his first patient that he wanted a thorough investigation of the cause of the fever. The husband was fully scrutinized and was made to undergo numerous tests. Medicines were given. Finally they came home, thinking all is over.

The all was not over yet. It just started.

The young doctor at the clinic was so eager with his new job that he run all the tests he could on all the liquid and solid matter he received from the poor husband’s body. The result was stunning. He wanted to deliver such a big and drastic and life changing diagnosis himself. He also was curious to see the reaction. Yes, it was sadistic if you want to think so. But it also gave him the opportunity to learn to deal with the ways people handle such news, it will help him in future. Who was to know that he will land with such a big case on his first day.

The two story house showed that the family was rich and opulent enough. He approached the house. He was welcomed in with warmth. After all, it was not unusual for the ‘people with post’ coming to the house and paying the visit. They were well networked and respected people. The heads of the family, that is all three males were present and laughing. The Mother-in-law, doctor guessed her to be the mother in-law, bellowed for her to come to the kitchen and prepare some snacks for the young doctor. After fifteen minutes of formal talking points she came with a few plates laden with sweets and snacks for his endeavor. She gave a shy smile and the doctor was struck with beauty in her simplicity. He suddenly felt inadequate and wanted to protect her from the blow he was about to give her. He wanted to hug and sympathize with her. He wanted to just hold her. He rebuked himself for his constant rubbish thoughts. And spoke out to her to stay. He then turned to her husband. Saying that he wanted to say something about his falling health. He has run all the tests and now has a concrete result, of course if he wanted he can go for a second opinion in a better private hospital, but the result will remain unchanged. He has AIDS.

She was puzzled. AIDS. She knew what is AIDS. She learned about it from her first year in the medical college before she quit it to get married, before her parents left her in this sad world and died in a road mishap, before her brother decided that he cannot take the burden of her education anymore. She was still reminiscing about her first year at medical college when she realized she was not on her feet but lying on the floor. The young doctor’s face swam before her eyes. This doctor was too young and good looking. Would she had had this confidence which he has now if she were a doctor. She smiled at the doctor suggestively. And she realized with horror that her husband was dying. The Doctor helped her to her feet, all the while her family sat there looking like zombies. The husband suddenly rose from his shock and rebuked the doctor, saying it was mean way of stealing money. Suddenly things started changing before her eyes. She suddenly swayed and realized that the doctor who was still holding her was hit by a force which was her brother in-law. The mother in law was screaming things which she never said, about her and the young doctor she just met! She smiled on her own, she keeps referring to him as the young doctor. Se suddenly felt someone calling her and looked up to see the person of her thoughts on the doorway, exiting. He turned and asked her to get a full check up.

The next week was whirl wind. Doctors, hospitals, tests. Not hers. Her husbands. Everything was confirmed. The fears were testified. It felt as if someone already died. His immune system was beyond repairs. It was settled that he would die. When, no one knew. It could be today, tomorrow or after a year. He was now in a hurry to settle away the remnants of his life. The will. Of course, he would get a life insurance but wont wont tell about his condition and jeopardize his chance of getting one. And the nominee will be his mother. The business will go to his brother. The house and land, his share of it shall go to his father and he shall decide whom to allot it to in his will whenever he wants. All the loans have to be paid. Everything has to be done. In all this stuff he forgot one thing. He was childless, by his own choice, in the three years of this matrimony.

And thus he forced himself upon her, blaming that she gave him AIDS, that she was a slut, and therefore she shall suffer- either she will give him a child, a son. Or She will die with him. Sati Prata was not dead as many claim. And here she was, locked in this room, given meal only at night just before her husband came in to our all his fear and all his frustration into her since last three days.

Tonight. She resolved to end the drama tonight. She will run away. She will go to some Ashram or to that NGO that police lady was running. She will be free. Just a few more hours. Whole say she waited in that locked room. Night fell. She decided to prepare. But she had nothing with her! No she had nithing to take with her, just the saree she is wearing will do fine and let her husband come, she will sneak some money from his pocket and may be his gold cufflink and chain. That should suffice. She waited for her husband to come.

All the while he was inside her, her mind was outside her- formulating what she would do once she is once she is free, where to go, what to do… her brother would send her back, and she was out of touch from her friends. She decided to run away to the doctor, she would get herself checked. And then she would ask him for his advise about continuing her education, if she has a chance of becoming a doctor. After three years of solitude, she knew she has chances none to next to become a doctor, but she can certainly become a nurse, and sustain herself. But from where will she bring the money for education.

Her husband yanked himself out and fell on her. He shivered with repulsion which her husband took as a tremor of pleasure, typical husband. He taunted her and rolled off. She waited. One hour passed by, then another. She stole her way towards the bathroom, draped her sarree properly, took her purse- saw she has around three hundred rupees and then she took a shawl- her husbands black shawl, this shall help her hide in the dark. She took from the night stand, her husband’s wallet, his watch and slowly unhooked the gold chain from his neck. He didnt even stir- it was a drunken sleep.

She opened the door of her bedroom, came out and ran away. She had no idea where she will be going, what kind of world she will meet outside, she just ran. Towards her freedom….

March 20, 2011

Letter to a daughter

(I read a letter to a daughter by a mother in a Chhatisgarh daily, it was beautiful, here I present a modified version of that letter, I have added my feelings, my imaginations and my words here and there, I have tried to infuse what i would feel when i would have my own child to take care of and love, do forgive me for any mistake)

Dear Daughter,

I have always wanted a girl child, and then Lord Jagannath endowed me with you. A delicate, tiny beautiful child. He was extremely generous with me and I am obliged to pay my debts Eternally to him, he gave me more than a daughter, he gave me love personified, he proved that he exists- where there was not a slim or a fat chance of mine ever getting pregnant, and now I have you to declare to the world that see my devotion and my faith won over the super science of yours! Now that I look at your face, sleeping peacefully and with calm confidence that your mother is here to protect you, i feel a sense of pride in myself for harboring a life as precious as yours in my womb, of bringing you to this world as a new ray of hope. My darling angel, as I see your 6 months fingers curled around my thumb, I know that you wont be reading this letter for a long long time to come, nevertheless I have this urge to write to you, to convey to you what I feeling as of now, at this very moment. So the apple of my eyes, here is my letter to you…

Beti, the world has pearls of wisdoms to impart, and I also have a few advises for you, you may feel rebellious, may be defiance against these advises, all i want from you to be level headed while thinking over these advises. People say that mothers have an uncanny intuition about the whereabouts and well-being of their children, believe me that I will always know you better than you could ever know yourself- that does not mean, however, that I will always be right and I wont make mistakes. And also remember that I will also know when you will make mistakes and when you will lie- but being a mother I will forgive you- just like that. I will give you a tight slap for your mistakes, will make you stand for hours in a corner and will ground you- but I will also smother you with my bear hugs and kisses and chocolate shakes and oatmeal cookies. You know my child, I always remember the time I would fight with my Ma, I would call her rudest of names, say most hurtful things, and she would weep at my actions, I remember how repentant I used to be later on but it was a rare case I would ask for forgiveness… She would just say, “you will realize when you will have your own children”. How true, how very true. No, I dont believe in ‘tough love‘, If I scold you or if I am stern or If I act harsh, its just because I love you so much, and I want you never to stray from your path! I know we will have contradictions, difference of opinions, fights, disagreements, but its a vicious cycle- you will know when you have your own child.

My baby, dont let anyone in this world hurt you, dont give anyone the authority, the right to ever hurt you. Because they can do it, only if you permit them. You may encounter nasty, unwanted situations at some or the other corner of the road of life, dont let yourself caught unawares, dont let yourself compromise with that situation, be strong enough to face it, to fight it- after all you are my little tigress!!! But at the same time, my darling, be gentle and delicate enough so you never lose the beauty of your girlhood and later on your womanhood, of your softness. Be bold enough to ask questions, however stupid they mey seem and be meek enough to accept defeat. Smile. Read books. Respect Nature. Have integrity. I dont know what kind of human being you will turn out to be tomorrow, make sure that you are generous, forgiving, and sans jealousy.

No body is burdening you with future expectations, its your world, its open to you, look into nook and corners and make your own decisions, stumble, fall- I will be there to help you get up, I will dust you down and sooth your scraps. But make your own decisions. Follow your heart and whenever in doubt, think of Lord Jagannath and take a leap of faith. Things will always fall in place. Protect your heart and hand it over to the worthiest of man out there. Let your inner satisfaction be your guide. remember sadness and disappointments will as much be a part of your life as smiles and happiness, learn to balance.

Never forget that I and your father will be there for you. Always.

Love and blessings,
Ma

March 9, 2011

The Autorickshaw Walah

I was looking for an auto to come back home from GIP- it was already 815pm, I saw this auto rickshaw near a Paanwala and I went and asked the Auto walah is he ready to go to Vaishali Sec-4?? The Auto Walah was not a ‘bhaiya‘, he was an ‘uncle’ and he had white hair, half bald head, tall personality, laughing face, and twinkling eyes- kind of ‘Santa Calusish” 🙂 We bargained- he wanted Rs150 and I was not ready to yield more than Rs.120. I won. He says, “Beta let me have a paan” and then he comes back and we start the wonderful interaction.

He asks me if I was from Bihar (I know my accent gives me away 🙂 and I love it) I smile and say, “yes I am”, he says he is from there too and smiles and says that we are lucky we sit at the back side of the auto not the front, we should thank our stars- I agree of course. He then asks if I have heard of Dinkar and Vidyapati, “Dinkar to aapke gaon ke aaspaas ke hi hain“. (Dinkar’s residence was near your native place only) I tell him that I love Dinkar’s poetry and ‘Veerras’. He was happy to hear it. Then he told me that he wanted to be a teacher, he worked hard to get a B.Ed but in the end he lost- and with bitterness he blames Lalu for his loss- As per his exact words- “Lalu ke chalte hamko auto chalana pad raha hai, warna hum bhi kuch hote shayad, nahi bi hote to kuch bachcho ke mann mein apna jagah bana paate- yaha auto chala ke kaun apne sawaariyon ke mann mein jagah bana pata hai“.(Its because of Lalu I have to make survival through this auto, otherwise my fate would have been something else- if not extraordinary- I would have had at least appreciation of my students- no passenger can appreciate an Auto rickshaw driver) He says that Lalu ended the value of education in Bihar.

He remains silent for a while then he says,” Madam hum gana gaa lein“, I was so intrigued, I said yes and he started singing the poems of Vidyapati ji in Maithili- “Jaldi Bujhao Hamra Pyas ho” (Quench my thirst please) – a poem depicting the thirst of the poet and his begging of water from Ugna his man-servant who was actually the incarnation of Shiva- Such brilliant voice, such clear dictions, I could hear him over the rumbles of auto and chaos of traffic. I did not want him to finish singing- but he did only to explain to me the meaning and the whole incident of how Shiva came to Vidyapati, how Ugna gave Ganga Jal to Vidyapati, how Vidyapati’s wife beat up Ugna with a broom and how Vidyapati cried in Anguish when Lord left him- he also sang another Vidyapati’s number- “Ganga Maiya kakhana Haraba dukh mor” (When will you take away all my pains O Mother Ganga). I could actually feel the tremor in his voice- as if it him who was calling upon Mother Ganga to redeem his soul. I had Goosebumps.

He then asks my qualification- I told him about my doing BA from JNU- he was suddenly so excited, he said that his grandson is appearing for 12th this year and he wants him to study in a reputed college and learn a Bidesi Bhasa (Foreign Language) and get away from India, as he thinks that Lalu is like Raktabeeja (A mythological character who clones himself) and sooner or later India will suffer what Bihar did. He does not want his grandson to witness that so planned out a life for him- he has already thought of JNU, actually he researched with the help of cyber cafe owner about the prospects of languages etc and has selected a few for his grandson. Then he said something to me, “Madam, kabhi dahej mat dena , na khud iska sahyog kariyega na hi apne pita ji ko ise dene dijiyega- lalach ko badhata hai- hum apna auto chala chala ke jama kiye the ke apni beti shaadi achhe se karenge- 4 lakh diye they- byah ke time to koi kuch nahi bola, sab raji khusi ho gaya par saadi ke duyie saal baad hamara naati ke janam ke baad gala ghont ke maar diye aur bole ke prasav mein mrityu ho gayi- kisi ko uske gale ka nisaan nahi dikha na hi hamari beti kabhi hamse koi sikayat kari- hum ro ro ke reh gaye- kenahu lad jhagad ke apne naati ko saath laye, hum aur uski naani dono mil kar paale hain- yahi DAV mein padhta hai- khelne koodne mein bhi badhiyan hai, par ma hai nahi baap kasai hai…” (Madam, do not support dowry, even if your father insists, I had a daughter and I wanted her to be married comfortably- gave her husband 4 lacs and everything seemed hunky dory and after two years as soon as my grandson was born, she was killed by strangulation and the childbirth was mentioned as a cause. no one saw the marks on her neck. I fought and brought back my grandson here and my wife and me take care of him- he studies in DAV and is a good sports man too) The last statement was with pride and a sense of achievement and a feeling of desolation

As my home neared, he told me, “Koi kisi ka bhagya to khata hai nahi, hamari kismat to hamarri hi rahegi- meri beti gayi to ek beta mila- uska bi kismat dekhiye- auto chala kar bi hum uski saari maang poora kar hi dete- kami to hai nai- jitna milna tha humako- isse jyada kabi milta nahi aur jitna mila hai usse mera koi chura nahi sakta” (No one can steal someone’s destiny, I lost my daughter, but I have a son now and look at his destiny- I am and Autorickshaw driver yet I am capable enough to fulfill whatever he wants. I got what was mine, I could never have gotten anything more- and nobody can take even an ounce away, if its mine.).

I reached my destination, he turned back when I was giving him money, he refused and said, “Hamare beti jaisa dikhti ho isliye itna keh diye, appan beti se paisa lenge?” (You look like my daughter, do you expect me to take money from my daughter?), tears streaming down his cheeks. I was dumbstruck, but how could I leave without paying him and if I pay, it will be insulting, I folded my hands and asked him that since you said that I look like your daughter, then please let me pay for “my son’s” JNU prospectus and form, I asked him to take that money as a token from his long lost daughter. I gave the money and went to buy some medicines from the nearby store without looking back.

I know many of you may say that I was conned, even if I was, I don’t care-words are not enough to show his feelings and genuineness…

That is my story and as Jeffrey Archer says- and there hangs a tale- I was fortunate to meet him- I have something new to tell you.

March 7, 2011

Jaane Kaha Gaye Wo Din…

What a craze it was!!!! at least 10-15 or more years back! todays kids thrive on Superman, He-man, SpiderMan, X-Men and all the other western heroes, while Indian Super Heroes are suffering due to the ever increasing fame of Western Super Heroes, here comes a time to revive the memories of long forgotten our own Indian Heroes, the legacies of Diamond and Raj Comics.

First and foremost in mind can be no other than Nagraj; the green skinned man,with a lock of hair shaped like a snake’s hood and snakes flowing out of his wrist as and when he wishes!

He is the creation of Parshuram Sharma, Nagraj is the Ichhadhari Naag (A snake which can take the form of a Man at wish) . He is the protector of the Metro City-Mahanagar and is the enemyof evil, of terrorism. His perennial enemies are Nagpasha-his uncle, Prof. Nagmani, Thodanga, Nagina, Vishandhar,Nagpasha, Gurudev. he remains victorious because of the guidance of his mentor Guru Gorakhnath, blessing of his deity- Dev Kalajayi, devotion of his wives Visarpi and Bharti, and all the snakes which residein his body. his powers include his ability to become invisible, ability to blow the poisonous breath and kill the enemies, lots of snakes coming in and out of his body, his yoga power and much more! he is one of the most most admired and loved super heroes of India

And then if Nagraj is the top name in Indian Heroes then Anupam Sinha’s creation Super Commando Dhruv is the epitopme of a Human Being without naturally bestowed power, who proved that you dont have to have a spider bite you, or to be born on another planet, to be a super hero! you just need to have passion and compassion! you just need determination! this is what Dhruv is!

this orphan, born and brought up in Jupiter Circus is nimble and a master in Martial Arts, a great and unmatched Trapeze artist; since he lived with animals and birds for most of his young life, he can understand and converse in their language! the various skills he learned in the circus, he nurtured and developed! plus is great common sense! he was adopted by a Inspector General Rajan and his family, Rajan’s daughter is also a Super Heroin (Chandika) and she puts her life at risk for her brother often! He comes often in comic books with Nagraj, and saves the world from the attack of Terror. in the latest series, which is almost a depiction of Ramayana (Varan Kand, Grahan Kand, Haran Kand etc), Nagraj has a character similar to that of the Rama and Dhruv depicts Lakshamana. He also trains his neighbor hood kids to combat, top utilize resources, to use common sense and to be the Commando force! He is in love with Commander Natasha, daughter of his arch enemy Grand Master Robo, and got separated from her father voluntarily to marry Dhruv, they have son named Rishi. Another great ally of Dhruv is Dhananjaya, an Aqua-Human character who helps Dhruv in most difficult of circumstances. this character of Dhruv has stolen many a heart and is part of many fantasies! 🙂

If all super heroes are good and pure, there are few who defy law, who believe in eye for an eye and who don’t think twice before taking an action! this description best suits Doga. this Angry Young Man of the Streets is the savior of those unfortunates, who cant save them selves. And he has an army of dogs, who would die at one signal of Doga, without hesitating!
first time a well known Indian Super Hero is going to be on Silver Screen, and Doga is going to be the one to get the credit! Kunal Kapoor is going to act as Doga in Anurag Kashyap’s would-be flick.
Doga was originally Suraj, an orphan, who was brought up by a Daku Halkan Singh, who treated him as a Dog, hence Doga. he left the Daku to be with Adrak Chacha, his mentor and guide and his brothers. the four brothers trained Doga in Gym, Marksmanship, Boxing and Martial Arts. Suraj became Doga when these brothers were killed mercilessly by Killota. This fighter of the streets is misunderstood by the law and police for his ruthless behavior but he is admired and feared as well. his secret identity is known by a few of his trusted- inspector Cheetah, and Monika who is his long lost love Sonu, whom he takes to be dead. he also has a sister Kiran.

and then comes Bhokal! the warrior, the male pari or tha Protector of Fairies, king of Parilok! This ancient age super hero is the protector and defender of Vikasnagar. in Parilok, his parents are killed by Fuchang, whom he kills with the help of his friends Shootan, Atikrur and Turee, whom he loves and finally marries. this Hero invokes the name of the his Guru Mahabali Bhokal to gain super strength when he needs it, and he can fly, gets the most powerful shield and sword. he also had a pair of wings, but that was destroyed by the enemies. Bhokal had three wives, Tureen Rupsi and Saloni.

Other famous super heroes are Parmanu, Shakti, Tiranga, Inspector Steel, Agniputrs Abhaya, Shaktiman, Captain Vyom and many more.

We as kids used to thrive on these comics and series, they used to transport us to the unknown lads of adventure and fun. they made us feel the importance of good and bad, of winning the inner devil in order to conquer the world. they taught us that we don’t need super humane power to be a super hero; it just takes determination and compassion. Now a days television sets and computer games take over the lives of the kids, how unfortunate is the life of an average kid today! No more nurturing of fantasy the way we used to do through books and comics. the fun associated and the enigma hidden in the next page was used to be so scintillating! i still read those comics and remember those long lost glories of these characters.

The Unfaithful

(The story i present here is based on the song ‘Unfaithful’ by Rihanna)

She was putting on her lipstick, a bright red one on her luscious full lips, sitting in front of the mirror. She was proud of her lovely looks; she was above attractive, if not extraordinary. Even at 37, she radiated a glow of youth. Her face was full and heart-shaped, perfectly arched eyebrow with widely set, midnight black eyes which were eternally moist. She had this adorable habit of teasing her lower lip with her teeth; she knew the devastating effect this had on men. And her best features were her jawline, sharp and perfectly angled. Her body was that of a heavenly nymph, at least if we believe her husband.

She was getting ready to meet her man, the man who made her feel alive; not the man who was her husband. This is her life, her story. She strove throughout her life to reach, to achieve, what was right. While she continued to feverishly pursue what she conceived to be ‘right’, it always eluded her. She did not have a ‘right’ set of parents, nor did she have ‘right’ and worthy siblings, never a ‘right’ and proper teacher… She thought she will at least marry right. Oh! He did seem right. He did everything in a most proper, most right way. Even his love-making used to be so right that it seemed methodical to her…

Wait! She reflected back at her reflection. She married him because he was, he is right. But after eight years of ‘right’ness and extremely boring life, she realized that it was actually ‘wrong’ which attracted her and to escape this ‘wrong’, she gravitated towards what she thought as ‘right’. She smiled sarcastically at her confusion between wrong and right.

He loves her so, her husband. His world starts and ends with her- the total Romeo Juliet Cliched love. He considers that colors of this nature are because of her, the days are bright and nights are dark because of her, the sun rises and sets because of her… And she is aware of this demand-less and unconditional love of his. But she just couldn’t be true to him, to his love. This love suffocated her; however grateful she was for his company, for his presence in her life, for his love, all and much more, he still stifled her. And she felt her eyes getting much more moist than usual. She wiped her eyes at the core; she couldn’t let her tears escape the boundaries of her eyes, can she? It will smudge the kohl and mascara.

She stood up and selected an Oscar de la Ranta for the evening- A short red dress with scooped neckline which will enhance her figure and give her an edge. She knew that she would look irresistible. She looked at her semi-naked body in the full length mirror and knew that her firm body had so much more to offer than any lithe teen goddess who could never match up to her. She smiled. And then she was sad. She knew that he knew about her misadventure and she knew that her unfaithfulness is tearing him apart, eating him alive, her actions were hammering the desolation, the death in his heart. He knew that even with his devotion, with his love, he can never, never make her happy as she could never be happy with him- She chose to be happy with her man, the ‘outsider’, that third member of their marriage. It was an open secret, and they both knew that.

She felt a prick of tear again and a pain in her heart. She never wanted to hurt anyone. She was not venomous. She wanted to free him, free him of their sham of a marriage and his love. But she was too dependent on him- not for her happiness, but for a balance, for stability. She knew that every time she stepped out of her home, he had this uncertain look on his eyes- was this the last time she was going out? Will she ever come back again to him?

She wore the dress and she decided to pull her hair up for this evening- a new hairdo; her lover loved to free her hair and play with it- an enticing hair fetish, he called it. She let a strand of hair lie just like that, kissing her left cheek. She picked up her handbag and slipped her delicate feet in Jimmy Choo. She headed toward the main door but paused to consider something and turned and smiled at her husband. She walked towards him, leaned and gave him a kiss which displayed her gratitude and her guilt. She brushed his cheek with her thumb and looked in his eyes and with genuineness still residing inside her she promised to come back home soon, she had to go out you see, she promised her girlfriends an evening of fun and frolics quite a long time ago and now she cannot back out, it won’t look good on her social credibility criteria. He smiled and nodded at her saw her turn away, it seemed that his eyes remained on the door for a long times as he saw his life going away.

He knew that there was no girlfriend. He knew that she did not want to hurt him, but she had no self restrain. He could never be angry at her. He was not sad, as long as she was happy. He just couldn’t bear to see her in dullness and nor could he tear their bond away. He was as dependent on her as she was on him.

He turned and administered his chair in the direction of balcony and wheeled himself toward the outer railing just in time to see his wife getting in car with that ‘outsider’…

A few Tidbits of love…

She was talking to him in the barest of whisper, her lips almost not moving. The tiny throbs at the base of her neck was the only indication that she was speaking. They were together and they wanted to pour into each other their everything- heart, body and soul. As they walked, they took lightest of steps and as they spoke, it was in the lowest of voices. They were careful not to disturb the sanctity and silence of the cloudless, clear night; slightly washed by the light of crescent moon.

She said, “ I am fortunate to have you here by my side in this cold night. I am thankful you chose to be with me now; me, whom you know barely as a person, but know you me as ‘one of the people’ since last few years. Well, more than a few years. I remember seeing you then, and wondering about you. No, you were never a part of my adolescent fantasies, but still there was your presence.”

“Now that you are here, holding my hands, I want to say something. I want to, actually, proclaim my feelings, for I am so confused that hearing myself say it might clear my own doubts about how I feel. You see, when i saw you three days back, after so many years- you took me away from me. You never said that you love me, you never expressed what you do feel. Now I do not know what do we have together, for you never utter a word. You are always silent and I can never listen to you, even if you speak, I can only hear emptiness. I cannot dare to leave my world and come to you, for I do not know what I can give you and what I can take from you.”

“All I know that the time I spend with you are my own even if you are not mine, it doesn’t matter. I took from my destiny, what you could never give me. Now I want to give you something, I am giving you a farewell gift. Yes darling, now I am leaving. I am asking the winds to take you back, from where you came. But before you go, here is what I have brought for you.”

“ I stole from the time, few moments of my own with you.. and I stole from my emotions, a few strands of affection as my offerings to you… I stole from my soul, a tiny piece of my heart… and I stole from the sun, a ray of hope.. I took away a beat and skip from my own heart… and I took away a ragged breath… and I sorted through and kept aside a slight moan of pleasure… and then i found a thread on the wrinkled sheet… and I made this keepsake, this charm for you to take away as a memory- a few tidbits of love…”

(c) Mamta Kashyap
February 22, 2011 at 11:00pm

The Morning After…

… The night was full of fragrance of cold, winter air…
Of love and sweat and smokey wonder
And a scent unique to you

When the morning arrived
When the sun’s path was paved
And the dawn grew

With the misty foggy wind
Gone were you too
Merged with sun and dew

You touched me, my soul
And you left behind the memories,
… my memories few

Cant you come back?
And take away the pain
And wipe away the memories
And give me my love true?

(c) Mamta Kashyap
11:16 pm 3rd Jan 2011

Papa, for you…

Filed under: The Memories Unfogged — MK @ 2:30 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I write this in May 2008, for papa. I mailed it to him and he never replied however i got to know from other ppl that he showed it off! That’s him and his silent love!

i dont remember the first time my father picked me up and held me….
he must have been proud and must have woven a dream around me in that moment…
he must have thought whether he would be able to be around me forever
and will he be able to care for me and protect me and comfort
forever…
the answer must have been no, for i wont be with him forever…

i dont remember the expression on his face when i would have taken my
first step…
he must have tought of all the long tiring paths i will have to take…
he must have wondered will he be able to hold me when i stumble….
the answer must have been no, for my paths are my own to travel…

i dont remember what would have been his reaction when i first went to
him complaining about someone…
he must have comfroted me and would have agonozed over my infant agony…
he must have mulled, will he be able to shield this forever…
the answer would have been no, for i have to fight my own battles…

i dont remember what he said about my first failure in series….
he must have told- there is always a next chance, dont lose heart…
he must have thought, will he always be around to show me the next chance….
the answer would have been no, for i have to leasrn to digest my own failure…

i dont remember how he must have been radiant on my first sucess…
he must have flourished and must have celebrated my nominal tiny sucess…
and he must have thought may God give her all the sucess…
all his prayers would have been directed for my favors…

all i know the trouble i caused him…
the pain gave him…
worry for my future and a sadness whenever he realizes that i wont be
with him forever…

 

All i know that he stood by, in rain amd sumshine, all i kNow he tried to sjow me the right way and still supported me when i was wrong, all i know that he took time to understand me but he did understand me! He is the best father a girl could have asked for!

(c) Mamta Kashyap
July 20, 2010 at 9:06pm

Relationships

Filed under: Opinions,The Unadulterated Magic — MK @ 2:28 pm

hmm…. what is the basic difference between being mere acquaintances, friendship, companionship, commitment, marriage etc??? First the similarity most of these relationships are our choices, we make these and are not born with these. Isn’t it?

Well one may think that one should take things gradually from here to there, but tell me how can you??? Imagine, just for a tiny second, you are on the staircase, on a step, there is a step below the step you are standing and there is a step above the step, you have only two-way to go either up or down… there is no gradual process!!!! you cannot be in limbo for long with one leg on the step and the other hanging in the air, can you!

Imagine taking someone to mall for uplifting of her moods, because you care enough but if this process makes you think Hell!!! Do I care too much???- then beware you have raised your one leg from the step and you have no idea you are going up or down!!!

Imagine you talk day in day out, nights included on the phone with someone so much that one-quarter of your salary is vanished just like that- pfft!!!! And mind you, she is not your girlfriend too, not even a friend!!! There is no such thing as “commitment” between you two, you just feel “cozy”, you feel like you are with yourself, God!!! you just slipped badly on that staircase- and no! not downwards upwards if that can be possible!!!!

There are stances things cannot be controlled! you have to do what you have to do! It is definitely true that falling in love can take a life time or it can be a matter of eye-blink, heart-beat, a turn of head, a flick of hand….

Making a relationship is not enough… carrying on, nurturing it, cherishing is what matters in the end, and that is the toughest part!!! It requires strength of character, power of will, masks, adjustments, compromises, sacrifices… relationship is all about “give and take”… but instead of “taking”, “giving” should be prioritized that should be the mantra to a healthy relationship, believe me it will give you only joy when you know that you are the reason behind that sun-shine smile, that peaceful sleep, that exuberant laughter, and the content look…

(C) Mamta Kashyap
July 19, 2010 at 10:56pm

Celebrating my sorrows!!!!

Filed under: Opinions,The Unadulterated Magic — MK @ 4:57 am

Let me live to my bits and pieces….let me live my sorrows and tears, my shortcomings, my failure, my troubles and my fears… my frustrations and my anger… Let me live!!! I am tired of constantly, uselessly smiling… It hurts ultimately, this futile attempt… everyone and anyone can look into my eyes and see that I am no more than a fake personality. I dont want to be fake anymore…. For how long can a person be fake in this “REAL” world!!??!! How can anyone one smile and keep on smiling in this ever-frowning world!!??!!… Smiling need not mean I a happy, it can mean I am extremely unhappy and smiling… Why should I smile, when I cant!? If I celebrate my joy, why cant I celebrate my tears? Because I want to and I will celebrate! I will celebrate my aches… I will give a joyous welcome to my sorrows, my failures… to so called negative emotions… I intend to fall in love with each one of these… i already am…

The eyes and heart are
not friends…
Eyes smile when
the heart cries…
How indifferent
Eyes can be!
But look at the
Poor, old, helpless heart!!!
When the cruel eyes weep,
even the heart cries…

_(c) Mamta Kashyap
17th july 2010

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